dreamland (dreamland) wrote,

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People like me and you, Pashmina. GROW UP we shout. Grow up... please... why don't you grow up?? Why don't I grow up?? Why are we striving so hard to understand... to become so mature so fast... to want to act older, coverse about topics in serious manners...
Serious... I'm too serious all the time. That stresses me out. Ever since I was young, I had that problem. I take everything too seriously... I think about everything in serious manners... I had no sense of humor. I was the most boring of all kinds.
Humor... I wish I had some greater... I don't know. Sense of humor? It seems odd to ask that, to say that, but I don't know how else to put it...
Over the years, I learned to not take things so seriously. The best way always is to laugh things off. Things that make you uncomfortable. Things that are insulting. Things that are done in a stupid fashion. Things we find immature. To laugh it all off.
But then we're all like robots. We're controlling ourselves. Controlling ourselves to have set responses to certain stimuli if you think about it in some ways. What things are supposed to come "naturally"? What does that mean anymore? We are all doing things because we tell ourselves too. "Human nature." What is that now? How do our own concepts define that? We think jealousy, selfishness, the savage within is a part of "human nature." We try to explain the way we are. But sometimes when we think about it too much, we start telling ourselves to do things.

Well, maybe other people don't. But I do. I feel like a robot. I feel like a damn robot. I'm controlling myself. Telling myself, "this situation, you must laugh. You must smile. You must giggle. You must have energy. You must do stupid, silly things."
And then, "In this situation here, it's sad. It's depressing. You must cry. You must weep. You must feel sympathy."
Others, "Here now, you must feel relaxed. No tension is supposed to be found in your body. You must lie there. Keep your face blank now. There is no emotion involved. Smile now and then. Smile at the people. But don't frown. And close your eyes."

I control myself. I am a puppet. I am the puppeteer. I am a rag doll. I am a dog. I am a master. I am Dumbo; I can fly. I am a dancer. I am a singer. I am an artist. I am the audience. I am a teacher. I am a pupil.

I am the machine. I an the oiler for the machine. I am the creator of the machine. I am the maintainer of the machine. I am the teacher for the machine. I am the programmer of the machine. I am the spirit of the machine. I am a ghost of the machine. I am the organs for the machine. I fix the machine. I break the machine. I burn the machine. I heal the machine. I soothe and comfort the machine. I cause pain to the machine. I nurture the machine. I am the machine's mother. I am the machine's father. I am the machine's sister. I am the machine's brother. I kiss the machine. I hold the machine. I protect the machine. I cause insecurity to the machine. I love the machine. I AM THE MACHINE. THE MACHINE IS ME.
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